Stargate Atlantis: The Musical
by nightfynix
Summary: The 'friendly' singalong version of Atlantis. Rated for some possible language and semi gratuitous killing off of hated minor characters. COMPLETE!
1. Prologue

SGA: The Musical

A/Ns: This is a combined operation between myself and nightpheonix... this is gonna be soooooo much fun... this is gonna be short then it'lll get bigger - monsterous by proportion- sorry... i'm getting off topic.

_Disclaimer: (If I have to...) Yes, anyway, we are borrowing the lovely members of SGA... again. We will return them with hoarse throats from yelling, screaming, and singing... give 'em a couple lozenges and they'll be fine... we hope..._

Anyway, welcome to Stargate Atlantis: The Musical

* * *

**Prologue**

"Hello!" The voice echoed back to the caller.

"Hello, hello, hello?" He couldn't help it…

"Is there anybody in here? Just yell if you can hear me! Is there anybody there…"

A voice down the hallway floated back to him. "Relax. I need some information first. Just the basic facts: Can you show me who ya are?" John chuckled.

"You missed a stanza Rodney."

"I know. I did that on purpose. Where is everyone major?"

"I... uh..."

"Cut! Nice job you guys."

"What? Where do you guys come from?" John asked warily.

Ford smiled and Weir explained. "We're going to put on a play… or a musical more or less. And you're going to be in it."

McKay and Sheppard looked horrified. "I don't sing!"

"I'm **_not_** singing!" McKay protested strongly.

"You can and you will. Besides Rodney, this will be fun. Just… think of it as you're giving a big long speech about wormholes or something." Weir walked away. Ford was left in front of his elders, still grinning like a fool. McKay scowled at him.

"But SINGING!" Sheppard called after her.

"Was this your doing Ford?" McKay growled.

"Nah, I just helped." John and Rodney looked at each other and ran at him. The smile was instantly wiped of his face and he ran for all he was worth. Off in the corner, safe from harm, Teyla put her hand to her face to smother a giggle. Once the men had past, she stepped out into the hallway, shook her head in amusement, and trotted off to her quarters.


	2. Act One

The people of Atlantis come in, waiting for the musical, waiting for something… amusing to say the least. 

Grodin on mic: People, the show will be on in one minute.

A hush settles. Backstage some noise is heard.

"No. I'm not going out there."

"Aww, come on, Rodney! You're ruining all the fun!"

"This is not 'fun,' major. This is torture. Agony. Pointless."

"McKay, just go out there. It's not that hard."

"Don't make me hurt you again, Ford."

"Look, Rodney, just go out there and tell them about...wormhole theory or something."

"John, you couldn't get me to go out there even if I got to talk about wormhole theory. _You_ go out there."

"Weir's orders, McKay."

"What did I just tell you, Lieutenant?"

"Just go out there. Make something up."

"Major, I-"

McKay stumbles out on stage, pushed out by Ford and Sheppard. He glares back at them, and then turns out to the audience.

McKay: Hi. Uh...yeah. This is a play. Er, musical. About Atlantis. Yeah. _SGA: The Musical._ There's gonna be some...singing. Some good, and some not so good.

Sheppard: offstage Are you implying something, McKay?

McKay: Not at all, major. Anyway, umm, I was told-well, forced, more like it-

Sheppard and Ford: MCKAY!

McKay: Alright! I was told to tell you people about wormhole theory, so here goes. A wormhole is, simply put, a distortion of space-time in a region of the universe that would link one location with another, through a path that is shorter in distance than would otherwise be expected. They are formed between two Stargates. An object is transformed into energy as it passes through the event horizon of one gate and is instantly reintegrated on the other side. Objects can only travel one way through a wormhole, except things like radio waves or EM pulses. One can establish a wormhole by the use of a DHD, or 'Dial Home Device.' You enter seven symbols, six points in space and a point of origin. Then-

Sheppard walks out onstage, followed by Ford, Teyla, and Weir.

Sheppard: I think they get the picture Rodney.

Ford: Actually, I think they don't get it at all. In fact, they all seem to be sleeping.

Teyla: Yes, it appears Lieutenant Ford is correct.

McKay: I'm not that boring!

All: Yes, you are!

Weir: Don't feel too bad, Rodney. We're all going to have to sing a song.

McKay: I'm NOT singing.

Ford: The Eaaaagglleesss, McKay.

McKay: I don't care. I refuse to lower myself to that level and be publicly humiliated. I'm. Not. Singing.

Sheppard: I really have to go with Rodney on this one.

Weir: You _WILL_ sing, major. Or else.

Everyone whimpers.

Sheppard: Okay, you got me convinced. Who's got the first song?

Teyla: If I remember correctly, I believe it is Lieutenant Ford who sings first.

Ford: Me?

She nods.

Ford: Oh no. No way in hell.

Sheppard: I was ordered to so you have to.

Ford: I wasn't.

Sheppard: Well consider yourself ordered then.

Ford slumps.

Ford: Maaaan… what do I hafta sing?

Weir: Didn't you read the script?

Ford: Not really.

McKay: Of all the insufferable qualities, I think that was a good idea Ford.

Ford: Really?

McKay: I never thought I'd find myself saying this, but yes.

Sheppard: Wait a minute… where's Beckett?

Weir looks around.

Weir: Any of you seen Doctor Beckett?

Audience member: He's in a "bloody surgery" I believe.

McKay: Heh, the irony.

Sheppard glares at him. Teyla coughs politely.

Teyla: Should we resume the script major?

Sheppard: Yeah sure. Okay… where's the Stargate?

McKay: Spin.

Sheppard: Ah! There you are. Now we walk though the gate.

The 'gate' falls down.

McKay: Ow!

Ford: Haha.

McKay: Shut up.

Teyla: Ooh… look at the hurricane brewing outside!

Sheppard: Yes, look at the hurricane! A giant hurricane... waits a _giant hurricane_...

McKay: AHEM.

Stage crew: Oh! right! starts blowing into the microphone

McKay: That's it? 'Whoosh?' Where's the howling winds? Where's the pouring rain?

Where's the- someone throws a giant pail of water out, drenching McKay, but completely missing John. Sheppard laughs, McKay glares at him

McKay: Oh, shut up.

Sheppard: Anyway, a giant hurricane is heading straight for Atlantis!

Weir: We don't have enough power to activate the shield! We are all...DOOMED!

Ford: DOOMED!

Sheppard: DOOMED!

McKay: Oh, stop being so melodramatic. We're always doomed, and we always live to the end of the episode.

Sheppard: Get with the program, Rodney.

McKay: Oh, fine. I think we can harness the lightning...

Stage crew: Krackow! flickers flashlight

Sheppard: 'Krackow'?

McKay: ...to power the shield and save us all. We only need to activate all of the city's lightning rods. Providing we're not attacked by a sadistic megalomaniac and his minions hell-bent on conquering Atlantis.

Kolya: jumps out onstage Ha ha! Atlantis is mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!

McKay: Of course.

Kolya: whips out gun and points it at McKay and Weir Give me the C4 and all your medical supplies and I shall permit your friends to live!

Sheppard: begins writing down ...medical supplies. Anything else?

Kolya: Oh, throw in one of those puddle jumpers while you're at it, too.

Sheppard: Now you're pushing it. I'm not giving up the jumpers!

McKay: John!

Weir: warningly Major Sheppard...

Sheppard: sulkily Oh, alright.

The band strikes up a nice easy Beatles tune. (Hey Jude)

Kolya: _Hey John, don't make it bad._

_Take a bad plan and make it better._

_Remember don't let me stab your heart,_

_Then you can start to make it better._

_Hey John, don't be afraid._

_You were made to go out and help me_

_The minute you let me under your skin,_

_Then you begin to make it better._

_And anytime you feel the pain, hey John, refrain,_

_Don't carry Atlantis upon your shoulders._

_For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool_

_By making my world a little better._

McKay: Jeez, gimme a break!

_Hey John, don't let me down._

_You have given it to me, now go and leave!_

_Remember don't let me stab your heart,_

_Then you can start to make it better._

Ford: THIS is getting to me...

_So let yourself out and let me in, hey John, begin,_

_I want some C4 to perform with._

_And don't you know that it's just you, hey John, you'll do,_

_The movement we need is on your big head.__  
_

_Hey John, don't make it bad._

_Take a bad song and make it better._

_Remember to let me into your city,_

_Then you'll begin to make it_

_Better better better better better better, oh.__  
__Naaa na na nananana…_

Sheppard whips out his P-90 and shoots Kolya.

Sheppard: That part is sooo irritating!

Weir: Tell me about it. I get so sick of that song.

McKay: looking from Kolya to John You just-how could-there's no way it's that easy! You just whip out a gun and SHOOT the bastard? Why didn't you do that before?

Sheppard shrugs.

Sheppard: Before, he didn't have a song.

McKay: Hm. Good point. So now we must save the city from its gruesome fate at the bottom of the ocean!

Sheppard: Who can save it!

Weir: Rodney can!

Ford and Teyla: Yes he can!

McKay: Okay, I know I'm good, but you guys are creeping me out. I need to relax in order to fix the city and getthroughSheppard'ssong.

Sheppard: What was that?

McKay: What? I needed to relax to work on saving the city.

Sheppard: No no no… the second part.

McKay: Oh, you have a song coming up…anyway, back to the shield…

Sheppard: WHAT! I'm not singing.

Teyla: Major you must to keep away the Wraith.

Sheppard: I what?

Weir and Ford: The script.

Sheppard: Uh, right. Look at the Wraith coming… McKay, be careful!

McKay: For what?

Sheppard whispers: The Wraith… the script?

McKay: Riiiight… Oh no! The Wraith are coming! We must beware. I'm coming back to

the city. Umph!

Ford: What was that?

McKay: I believe that was me tripping over Kolya.

Sheppard: Oh?

Weir: Ah, dump 'im over the side.

Stage crew: Right away ma'am. No need asking.

Weir: Finally.

Ford: You just can't do that!

Weir and Teyla and Sheppard and McKay: Why not?

Ford: Because… because you can't!

Weir: Sure… go ahead boys, dump him.

Crowd applauses loudly. Wolf whistles are heard in the claps.

Teyla mutters: How long does this go on for?

McKay is happy.

McKay: I'd say about two hours… or something like that.

Teyla: Great…

Wraith things: Grrr!

Weir: Here they come!

McKay: Major, they don't look like Wraith.

Ford: Hey stage crew, who are they?

Stage crew: Your Wraith.

Ford: I think they're toweled Atlantis personnel.

Sheppard: Blue towels huh?

Stage guy: We ran out of options. This ain't Hollywood after all.

McKay: It's not?

Weir: Wait a second. That's Beckett! He's a betoweled Wraith man!

Ford: Would you look at that! A Wraith with a Scottish accent.

All go silent and we hear a "grrr... I want yer life!" in a Scottish accent. He stops.

Betoweled Beckett: Rats.

Weir: Come here doctor. Sheesh! You stink!

Beckett: Portapotty.

All: WHAT!

Beckett: Blue portapotty stuff.

Ford: Damn, you're not kidding are you...?

Beckett: 'Fraid not laddie.

McKay: How'd you allow that one?

Beckett: I didn't.

All are silent.

Sheppard: Ahem... here come the Wraith to suck our lives out.

McKay flatly: Oh no.

He runs up and goes to pull the towels off.

McKay: Uh major, the towels are attached to them... these are real betoweled Wraith! RUN!

Sheppard: Back to the jumper! Lizbeth, you'd better head back to Atlantis... or something.

Just walk... off stage... or something...

Weir: Going.

She trots off stage.

Teyla: Where's the jumper?

Sheppard: Over here somewhere.

McKay: Did you forget were we parked again?

Sheppard: No I'm sure it's right...

A gray box slides out from backstage.

Sheppard: ...here...

Ford: A fridge box.

Teyla: Is this what you mean by "budget cuts" major?

Sheppard: Uh, essentially. Ok, everyone in the puddle...box...

They load up.

Ford: Sir, let's start them engines.

Sheppard: Fridge boxes have engines?

Ford: Sir, the script.

Sheppard: I mean... sure! Let's start these engines.

The box's interior lights up.

All: Wow.

A Wraith (a **_real_** Wraith) jumps out.

Steve: Aha!

Sheppard: Steve? You're **_supposed_** to be dead.

Steve: I have survived Major Sheppard.

Sheppard: Hmm… apparently.

McKay: Ah, major?

Sheppard: Yes McKay?

McKay: He might start singing.

Sheppard stares at him.

Sheppard: You're kidding right?

Ford: No sir, it's in the script.

Steve: We will conquer you, scrawny humans!

McKay: Please no… not that one!

Sheppard: Good Lord no!

Teyla: What is it major?

Ford: We can stall him! Shoot 'im!

Sheppard: Well, we have our P-90's… what's this?

Teyla frowns.

Teyla: It appears our Wraith gun is now some kind of I-beam.

It droops.

Teyla: A fake I-beam…

McKay: Oh no…

Sheppard: He's gonna…

Ford: Help!

The betoweled Atlantis Wraith start stomping and clapping out the aggressive Queen beat.

Steve: _We will, we will conquer! We will, we will conquer!_

Sheppard: Shoot him.

McKay and Ford: Gladly.

Steve drops dead.

Sheppard: Thank you.

Ford: No problem sir.

Sheppard: Now… back to jumper!

McKay: Uh, we never left the "jumper" Sheppard.

Sheppard: Right. Now that the lights are on, let's see if this thing can fllllyy!

The box rises unexpectedly towards the ceiling.

Zelenka comes out with a clapboard. He claps it.

Zelenka: Act One. Over.

A curtain drops.

Zelenka: OW!

He faints err… is knocked unconscious.

* * *

A/Ns: We had a meeting to discuss which word should be used. We found that 'fainting' is too… girly for the men of Atlantis. They objected to fainting. 


	3. Act Two

Now for the long awaited Act 2...

* * *

The curtain rises. Zelenka is still lying unconscious on the stage.

Grodin: Act 2 starts in 5!

Stage manager: Wait, where's our clapboard man?

Stage crew 1: I think he's out cold on the stage, sir.

Stage manager: Oh for the love of do we really need the clapboard routine?

Stage crew 2: Actually, it's really for the actors.

Stage manager: I just don't see why we need it. By the way, where are the actors? They're supposed to be on in a few seconds!

Stage crew 1: I...ah... don't think they ever came down from the jumper.

Stage manager: WHAT! They're on in 5 seconds and they're out FLYING THE JUMPER!

Stage crew 2: Box. Jumper box. It...doesn't have very good... steering, so to speak. Or taking off. Or landing, for that matter.

Stage crew 1: Here they come now!

The fridge box makes a very bumpy landing and everyone gets out.

McKay: That is the absolute LAST time I EVER fly in the fridge jumper!

Ford: I think I'm gonna be carsick...

Teyla: Do you mean puddle-fridge box-jumper sick?

Sheppard: Hey, YOU try flying the damn thing next time! It's not as easy as it looks!

McKay: God, that was worse than Beckett driving the jumper!

Sheppard: If I could FIND the CONTROLS...

Stage crew 1: Sorry, sir. Budget cuts again.

Ford: How are we getting budget cuts? It's not like we're receiving funding or anything.

Stage manager: Err...

Weir: backstage Script, gentlemen.

McKay: Yes, right. Um...where are we?

Sheppard: We're on an alien planet.

Ford: It looks the same.

Sheppard: warning Ford...

Ford: Right, sir.

Teyla: Shall we explore this...planet? Perhaps we may find something of interest.

McKay: Oh, look. Zelenka's here and seems to have passed out.

Ford: Shouldn't we get Beckett in here?

McKay, Teyla, and Sheppard: No, I really think—

Beckett: Who passed out?

Teyla, Ford, McKay, and Sheppard all block their noses

Beckett: What?  
Sheppard: Did you wash the portapotty stuff out of your hair?

Beckett: Aye! Did you think I would leave that unsanitary stuff in? You're daft, laddie!

McKay: I think that's his cologne.

Sheppard: What are you doing here anyway? This is an alien planet.

Ford: He has the next song.

Sheppard: Oh?

Beckett: Aye. And it's my job to tend to the invalid. indicates Zelenka

McKay: Oh, he'll be fine. He's an engineer. Nothing new for him.

Band strikes up the acoustic Eagles tune, 'Take it Easy.'

Beckett: _Well, I'm a runnin' down the halls, tryin' to answer the calls,_

_I've got seven patients on my mind:_

_four with heavy bleeding, two got shot while leading,  
one needs a cure I can't find._

_Take it easy, take it easy,_

_Doctor's orders. I'll keep you here 'til you go crazy._

_Lighten up while you still can, don't even try to understand,_

_Put it up, try not to stand and take it easy._

_Well, I'm a standin' o'er a counter after another Wraith encounter_

_Inside the infirmary._

_it's McKay, my Lord, and then there's Ford_

_Shot by Wraith on M6X-233_

_Come on, laddie, you're hurt badly._

_Why can't you just stay home instead of running madly?  
I'll heal you up, you can leave then. 'Cause tomorrow you'll be back again._

_Getting shot all over again, so take it easy._

_Well, I'm a runnin' down the halls, tryin' to answer my calls,_

_got a world of trouble on my mind._

_Wishin' for just one day, when everyone stays OK,_

_That's too hard to find._

_Take it easy; take it easy,_

_Doctor's orders. I'll keep you here 'til you go crazy._

_Come on, laddie, you're hurt badly._

_Why can't you just stay home instead of running madly?_

Some of the female nurses start going "Ooooh ooho oooh oooh."

_Oh, I don't got it easy,_

_You gotta take it easy._

McKay: A Scotsman singing southwestern country rock? Someone tell me how that makes sense...

Zelenka: Oh, nice singing by the way, doc.

Beckett: Why thank- You're SUPPOSED to be unconscious!

Zelenka: Right.

He falls back to the ground.

Zelenka: I'm unconscious now.

Beckett grumbles and dumps him into the puddlebox.

Zelenka: Ooof!

Beckett: I hope he has the gene...

McKay: You know he doesn't Beckett.

Beckett: Yeah, well.

Sheppard: You'd, uh, better get back to Atlantis. There's a, uh…surgery or something.

Beckett: Right.

McKay: So, we need to search this planet for usable ZedPMs—

Sheppard: It's ZPM.

McKay: What?

Sheppard: You said ZedPM. It's supposed to be Zee. ZPM.

McKay: No, it's Zed.

Ford: Actually, I think its 'Zee.'

McKay calls backstage: Grodin, help me out on this!

Grodin sticks his head out: Yes, it's 'Zed.'

Beckett also comes onstage: Aye, laddies. 'Zed.'

McKay: Ha! Three against two!

Sheppard: They don't count! They're not on this planet!

Weir walks onstage: 'Zee.'

Sheppard: Hah!

McKay: Then she doesn't count either!

Sheppard: Doesn't matter! We're still winning!

McKay: On this planet, yes! But if we were in Atlantis you'd so lose!

Sheppard: Okay, fine. Everyone counts.

McKay, Grodin, Beckett: Zed.

Sheppard, Ford, Weir: Zee.

McKay, Grodin, Beckett: Zed!

Sheppard, Ford, Weir: Zee!

McKay, Grodin, Beckett: ZED!

Sheppard, Ford, Weir: ZEE!

Grodin: Britain was around long before America was. We spoke the language first. You Americans mauled it.

Beckett: Aye. We're right, you're wrong. Zed.

Sheppard: I can understand Beckett and Grodin saying 'Zed,' but why you, Rodney? Canada's closer to the US than to the UK.

McKay: I don't know, but the point is that Zed's right, Zee isn't.

Bates and Kavanaugh stick their heads out onstage: Zee.

Sheppard: Ha.

Grodin and Beckett muttering: Bloody Americans...

Weir: Now that that's settled, back to the script!

McKay: Right. We need to search this planet for a...ZED! PM.

Sheppard: Yes we must find a… ZEE! PM.

Teyla: Why don't we call it the 'Zero Point Module' and stop all the arguing?

McKay: You know I think that-

Weir: This is not a musical were we want to know what you think, is it?

Ford, McKay, Beckett, and Grodin look guilty. Sheppard looks thoughtful.

Sheppard: _You know what I think? War… good God y'all… _

_what is it good fawr? _

_Absolutely nothing! _

_War, hunh,_

_What is it good fawr, _

_Absolutely nothing! Sing it again!_

He struts across the stage in the Egyptian style 'dance.' He looks vaguely like a dying pigeon.

Weir: John!

Sheppard: Yup?

McKay doubles over laughing on the ground. Ford and Teyla look very scared.

Sheppard to McKay: Whaaat?

McKay: God, if I only had a video camera! I'd send that back to Earth!

Sheppard: This does not leave the planet!

He begins waving around his gun

Ford: Right, sir.

Teyla: Understood.

McKay is still rolling on the 'ground' laughing: Hehe…wouldn't President Hays _love_ to know what his ranking military officer was— Sheppard kicks him in the gut Urk!

Sheppard: McKay, I swear, if I find this on the Internet—

McKay gets up: Point taken. Rather painfully, I might add.

Sheppard: Good. Pain builds character.

Weir: Yes, well, good luck searching for Zero Point Modules, or whatever the hell they're called. walks offstage

Sheppard: 'K, sure, whatever.

Ford: So, uh, where do we start?

Teyla: Let's search over here.

Bob the Wraith jumps out

All: BOB?

McKay: Wait. We already encountered the Wraith in this musical. This isn't fair

Bob: You slaughtered my kinsman, the one you know as 'Steve', before he could finish his song. Now I must sing my own song and then have my revenge on you pitiful excuses for intelligent life!

McKay: You're kidding me. The WRAITH get to sing AGAIN! Wait…how do they know any human music?

Weir: Apparently, one of them got a hold of one of the scientist's personal objects. A Rolling Stones CD.

She sticks her head out and begins walking back to the team.

McKay: No. NO. I can't believe it. A Wraith singing 'Can't Get No Satisfaction'?

Sheppard: Yeah. But it's not 'Satisfaction' he's singing. He actually does sound like Mick Jagger.

McKay: Granted, that's not too hard to accomplish but—

Ford: I don't really like the Rolling Stones.

Sheppard: That's because you're not old enough to appreciate them. By the way, what are you doing here, Elizabeth?

Weir: Oh, I just couldn't miss this. I saw the Stones in college. I really gotta see this.

bongo music comes in. Bob starts singing

_Please allow me to introduce myself_

_I'm a creature of wealth and taste_

McKay: snorts Yeah, right

_I've been asleep for a long, long year_

_Stole many a man's life and fate_

_And I was 'round when the Ancients_

_Whupped our asses at Atlantis_

_So we sunk the city_

_Into the sea 'cause we got pissed._

_Pleased to meet you_

_Hope you guess my name_

_But what's puzzling you_

_Is why I like to cause much pain._

_I shall be all of your dooms_

_You cannot escape this certain fate_

_Culling humans on primitive worlds_

_I'm filled with spite and hate_

_I drove a Dart_

_Before the start_

_Of the Ancients War_

_Shot the ranks apart_

_Pleased to meet you_

_Hope you guess my name, oh yeah_

_What's puzzling you_

_Is why I like to cause much pain, oh yeah _

Wraiths in background begin singing 'Who, Who'

_I just won't die _

_How hard you try_

_Can't kill me at all_

_Bullets won't make me fall_

_I shouted out_

_"Tell us, where is this Earth place?"_

_So I could get_

_Earthlings to replace_

_Let me please introduce myself_

_I'm a Wraith of wealth and taste_

_And I laid tracks for the Hive ships_

_Which the Major wrecked, to our dismay._

_Pleased to meet you_

_Hope you guess my name, oh yeah_

_But what's puzzling you_

_Is why I like to cause much pain, oh yeah, get down, baby_

Wraith comes out and plays nifty guitar solo

McKay: No. NO! Keith Richards in Wraith form comes out and does a guitar solo? What's next?

Sheppard: Judging by the way he just isn't dying, I think Keith Richards is a Wraith.

Teyla: I am uncertain as to whom this Keith Richards is. Tell me; is he on the expedition with us?

Weir: Wow. That Wraith's pretty good.

Ford: Where'd he get the guitar?

_Pleased to meet you_

_Hope you guess my name, oh yeah_

_But what's confusing you_

_Is why I like to cause much pain._

_Just as every marine makes a meal_

_And all the tech-geeks snacks_

_As I end this tale_

_Just call me a pain in the ass_

Sheppard: Gladly.

_'Cause I'll relentlessly attack_

_So if you meet me_

_Have some courtesy_

_Have some sympathy, _

_and some taste_

_Use all your well learned qualities_

_Or I'll suck your life to waist_

_Pleased to meet you_

_Hope you guess my name_

_But what's puzzling you_

_Is why I like to cause much pain._

McKay: I have officially been scarred for life.

Ford: Ditto.

Sheppard: Can I pleeaasseee shoot him now?

Weir: No, we only agreed to let him sing if he gave us information about the Hive Ships.

Sheppard: Aw, man…

Bob: I SHALL EXACT MY REVENGE!

Bob is dragged offstage kicking and screaming by Weir and three other Marines while Sheppard, McKay, Ford and Teyla watch.

Sheppard: All in favor of saying there are no ZPMs and leaving the planet say 'aye.'

Everyone raises their hands: AYE!

All run for the jumperbox and pile in. We hear a 'thud'

McKay: Ow!

Zelenka: Sorry. Didn't mean to trip you.

Sheppard: Zelenka! What are you still doing here!

Zelenka: Beckett stuck me in the jumper and I can't fly it, remember?

Sheppard: Right. sighs> Okay, everyone back to Atlantis!

Box rises and flies jerkily off.

* * *

How was it? heheheheheheeheheheeeee! the muses are on temporary strike if you dont give us reviews... be warned, **_only_** temporary! 


	4. Intermission

As/N: lol, thanks for all the reviews... and do keep in mind it takes us a while to make up an act, but hang in there, next act soon! this chapt is a little short...

* * *

Intermission

"Lets say we get some snacks before they're all gone, shall we?" Sheppard suggested.

"Good idea," Ford and Weir replied in unison.

"Yes, I'm about to collapse from low blood sugar," McKay assented.

They walked into the mess hall. A very pissed-off Sergeant Bates was standing behind the refreshments table.

"Put you on snack duty, did they, Bates?" Sheppard teased.

"Yes, sir," Bates replied with a small snarl.

"Haha," Ford jeered. Bates glared sourly at him.

McKay began perusing the drinks.

"Lemon Coke, Lime Coke, Sprite, Mike's Hard Lemonade, lemonade, orange juice, and Corona with a slice of lemon!" McKay glared up at Bates. "Are you _trying_ to kill me?" he shrieked.

"Sorry. This is all we brought from Earth. We had 7-Up and Mountain Dew, but we sold out," Bates replied, failing miserably to hide his grin. Suddenly, snack duty wasn't so bad.

Grumbling, Rodney walked over the snack table. His eyes widened. "WHAT? You only have yellow Starbursts and yellow Skittles?"

Bates was now biting back hysterical laughter, as was Sheppard. "Yeah. No one likes the lemon-flavored ones."

"YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE!" Rodney hollered, pointing accusingly. "You're trying to poison me! You know I'm allergic to lemons!"

Bates had collapsed to the floor, doubled over in laughter. The only thing keeping Sheppard from doing the same was Weir's shoulder. However, it looked like that wasn't going to last very long because she was pretty close to keeling over too.

"I'm hungry," McKay whined.

Just then, Grodin popped out. "The intermission is over. Everyone please return to your seats," he called.

"Oh, lovely," McKay said, oozing with sarcasm. "If I keel over onstage, just tell Beckett it's because I didn't eat because I had an attempt on my life by Bates over here."


	5. Act Three

PLEASE FORGIVE US! (gets on knees) we're soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry for the awfully long wait, life got in the way, then we were both indisposed for a week on stage crew, which meant everyday after school until about ten-eleven-ish at night, again we're SOOOOOOOOO SORRY!

please tell us that this is good...

* * *

Act Three 

The set changes slightly. It now looks vaguely like the Control Room.

Grodin: Incoming traveler! HEY! Incoming!

Tech: Someone lift the gate!

Tech 2: What?

Stage crew: LIFT UP THE GATE!

Tech 2: Right.

He pushes the gate back upright.

Tech 2: All done!

Several blue pieces of Saran wrap waver in the gate.

Grodin: Uh? What's with the Saran wrap?

Stage manager: Only thing we had.

Grodin: Let me, someone from the mess gave you it.

Stage manager: No comment.

We see a box of people appear on the other side of the gate.

McKay: Major? We're not gonna make it!

Sheppard: Shut up McKay.

Ford: I believe McKay is right sir. We're gonna smash into the gate.

Sheppard: Shut. Up.

All in the box lean back as Sheppard brings the puddlebox in through the gate, nearly

cutting their heads off.

Sheppard: See, I can drive this piece of-

In protest to the swear coming, the box drops like a stone from the air where they are hovering close to the top of the gate.

All: YAAAAAAAH!

Thud.

Sheppard: Ooooh…

McKay: Yup, there goes my knee, ow! And my back.

Ford: Stop complaining old man.

McKay: If I didn't hurt, I'd wring your neck. OW!

Teyla: That was rather uncomfortable.

Zelenka: Advisory for next time? Don't swear at a puddlebox.

Sheppard: Gee… thanks.

They unload.

Sheppard: Come on, we gotta get Zelenka to the infirmary.

Zelenka: What? Oh, right.

He goes limp.

Weir: Well that looked like fun.

McKay: Oh be quiet Lizbeth.

She grins.

Weir: Someone get Beckett!

Beckett: Here.

Ford: Don't come any…. Ew.

All block their noses.

Beckett: Sorry about that. Come on laddie, you're going to the infirmary.

Beckett picks Zelenka up. He leaves the stage. All stage crew block their noses.

Silence. Suddenly, Zelenka pops back onstage.

Sheppard: Wow. You recovered fast.

Zelenka: No, not really. I just couldn't stand being in the infirmary with Carson for any longer. He smells something awful.

Sheppard: Ah.

Zelenka: Rodney, we need to go calibrate the city's defense matrix.

McKay: We do? Oh, yes, the script.

Weir: And I…

She rolls up the sleeve of her jacket revealing her lines written in black permanent marker all over her arm. She quickly scans her arm and finds the line.

Weir: I need to go read the reports from Sgt. Bates' last mission. Gee, how creative.

The two scientists and Weir run offstage, leaving Sheppard, Ford and Teyla alone. Sheppard coughs awkwardly at the silence.

Sheppard: Soo…

Teyla: Do you desire to make conversation, Major Sheppard?

Sheppard: Um…that'd be nice. Teyla, do the Athosians listen to music at all?

Teyla: Why yes, of course we do. We are also quite fond of…

Ford: Really? Like what?

Teyla: I believe you Earthlings know it as "70's pop."

She turns to the band and motions for them to hit it. They begin to play Michael

Jackson's "Thriller." Elizabeth hears the music and walks onstage.

Weir: And to think I actually liked this song…

Teyla begins moonwalking.

Sheppard: Wow. I wish I could moonwalk.

John attempts moonwalking, but ends up just shuffling and lurching backwards.

Weir: Urgh. Michael Jackson. Who listens to Michael Jackson?

Sheppard: Good question.

Ford coughs.

Sheppard: Ford.

Ford: What, sir?

Sheppard: Would you like to tell me something?

Ford: Er, not at all sir.

Weir: You like MICHAEL JACKSON!

Ford: You're all too old to appreciate him!

All shut up.

Cut to the room with the chair. McKay and Zelenka are fiddling around with gizmos and the like. Enter Carson.

Beckett to Zelenka: There ye are! I've been searching all over for ye!

Zelenka: Really.

He walks over to McKay and whispers something in McKay's ear. They both begin grinning, laughing evilly and rubbing their hands together. Beckett doesn't notice.

Beckett: Do you realize the potential side effects you could have by waling around with a concussion? I mean there's-

McKay and Zelenka stalk up behind Beckett. Beckett turns around.

Beckett: What are you doing?

McKay: Oh, nothing.

Beckett turns around and walks away. McKay follows while Zelenka runs over to a keypad on the wall. He pushes some buttons and all the doors close, trapping Beckett in the room.

Beckett: What's this, laddies?

McKay: We need you to get in the chair.

Beckett: What for?

Zelenka and McKay exchange looks.

Zelenka: A, um...experiment.

Beckett: There's no bloody way I'm sitting in that chair!

McKay and Zelenka surround Beckett.

McKay: Get in the chair.

Beckett: No!

Zelenka: What's wrong with you?

Beckett: I hate that thing and you know it!

McKay sighs impatiently.

McKay: It's fake.

Zelenka: It is?

McKay: Yes. It. Is.

Beckett: That's not fake laddie.

McKay: Carson, get in that chair now, or else.

Beckett: Or else what?

McKay: Or else Kavanaugh will sing horribly.

Beckett folds his arms.

Beckett: No.

Zelenka: That's it...

The scientists tackle him. Beckett manages to wiggle out and makes a run for the door. Zelenka jumps in front of the door; Beckett turns around and faces Rodney. Carson runs to the side, behind the chair. Zelenka steps in front of the chair. Becket takes a step to the left, Zelenka follows. McKay sneaks up behind and trips Beckett.

Beckett: Ooof!

Zelenka: Grab him!

McKay drags a kicking and screaming Beckett over to the chair. He whips out a roll of duct tape and ties Carson to the chair and tapes his hands to the arms of the chair.

Zelenka puts a strip of tape over Beckett's mouth.

Zelenka: Ha! We did it!

McKay: Pay up, Major!

Sheppard walks in and sees Beckett taped to the chair.

Sheppard: You taped him there!

McKay proudly: Yup! You owe us each 10 bucks!

Sheppard: I said you needed to get him in the chair, not force him!

McKay: You never said that!

Zelenka: We're allowed to tape him!

Sheppard: Forget it. I'm not paying.

Sheppard walks out.

Beckett: Mmrprh Shepmmrph! Hurph me!

McKay: Oh shut up.

Sheppard, Ford, Weir, and Teyla all walk in.

Zelenka: So did you change your mind?

Sheppard: Nah, I just thought everyone else would like to see the good doctor duct taped to the Chair.

Beckett: Yuugh liille-

John walks up and rips the tape off of Carson's mouth. He screams.

Beckett: Bloody hell! What do ye think-

Sheppard: Don't make me regret taking that off.

Carson shuts up. Sheppard rips off the rest of the duct tape and Beckett scampers. The rest of them just stand there.

Sheppard: Well?

McKay: Well, what?

Sheppard: Get back to work!

Zelenka: Right. Sure.

Weir: Sooo…have you discovered how to get home yet?

McKay: Not exactly.

Weir mutters: Figures.

Sheppard: What?

Weir: Nothing. Keep um, "working." On your "laptops."

McKay and Zelenka look at their 'laptops.'

Zelenka: More cardboard?

Stage manager yelling: Budget cuts!

Ford yells back.

Ford: With no budgets!

Stage manager: Right.

McKay "types" and hums. All goes silent.

McKay: All across the universe…

Ford: I'm not a fan of that song.

Sheppard: That's because you can't appreciate Let It Be. Jai guru daya.

All adults except Ford: Oooooom!

The room rumbles.

McKay: Okay then. How about another from Let It Be?

Ford: Fine.

Sheppard suggests innocently: "I Me Mine"?

McKay: Ha ha, very funny. How about "Two of Us"?

Zelenka: Ooh! I like that one!

McKay: You know the Beatles!

Zelenka looks indignant.

Zelenka: Of course I do.

Sheppard: Ooh fun!

Grodin comes out playing the solo guitar piece for the beginning of the song. All stare in wonder.

Zelenka and McKay break out into Two of Us - the revised version.

_Two of us gating nowhere_

_Spending Atlantis'_

_Rare energy_

_Two of us Sunday sweating_

_Keep on working_

_For our gate back home_

_We're trying to get home_

_We're trying to get home_

_We're going home _

Two of us sending postcards

_Recording letters_

_Through the gate_

_You and me burning jumpers_

_Typing madly_

_For our gate back home  
We're trying to get home_

_We're trying to get home_

_We're going home_

_  
You and I have problems_

_Longer than the one that stretches out ahead_

_  
Two of us underappreciated_

_'Cause no one gets our_

_High IQ_

_You and me typing on laptops_

_Getting nowhere_

_On our way back home_

_We wanna get home_

_We're trying to go home  
We're going home _

You and I have intelligence

_Higher than the average military grunt _

Two of us scanning planets

_Trying to find_

_A ZPM_

_You and me typing on laptops_

_Getting nowhere_

_On our way back home_

_We wanna get home_

_We're trying to go home_

_We're going home_

_  
We're going home_

_I don't believe it!_

_  
Do doo dododo do doo_.

Sheppard: Wow, McKay. You sung. And it wasn't even in the script!

McKay: I--wait, hold on...

Ford: You're enjoying this, aren't you?

McKay: No, I'm not! I just...like the Beatles, that's all!

Sheppard: Uh-huh. Suuurrree...

McKay: Really!

Sheppard: Well, don't think you're off the hook. You're still going to have to sing later.

McKay: Yeah, well--you are too!

Sheppard: Please, don't remind me. You didn't do your song yet either, Ford.

Ford: I don't sing, sir.

Sheppard: I need not remind you that I outrank you, Lieutenant. If I have to sing, so do you.

Weir: Rodney, you also need to sing your real song.

McKay: Can I get a stunt double?

Weir: You don't get a stunt double in a musical.

McKay: An understudy, then?

Sheppard and Weir: No.

McKay: Damn.

Sheppard: Hey! Let's go to the mess.

McKay: Sounds good, I'm starving. After all, somebody almost put me in anaphylactic shock at the intermission…

Zelenka: I'm going to…stay behind. To work.

McKay whispers to Zelenka: Good idea. I think Sheppard has a song here.

All but Zelenka head off for the mess.

Sheppard: Ya know, since earlier those two Wraiths showed, I'm gonna go check the city.

Weir: Okay whatever.

McKay: Go.

They all walk off stage.

Sheppard sneaks off. He begins aiming his P-90 everywhere and rolling across the stage.

Sheppard: Dun dun dadada, dun dun…. Doodoodoooooo do do do, doit! Dadadada…daadada, da da!

Weir in the intercom: John? Have you been watching Mission: Impossible recently?

He stops singing.

Sheppard: Noooooo…

McKay: Right.

John looks over a balcony.

Sheppard: WAAH!

Ford: Sir, what is it?

Sheppard: Well Ford, I'm hanging from a 100 foot balcony, that's all.

Ford to Weir: We have 100 foot balconies?

Sheppard: YES!

McKay: Mmmm

Sheppard: Where are you guys?

Teyla: Mess. Duh.

Sheppard: I need rescuing!

McKay and Ford: Mmmmmm…. Tuuuuuna.

Teyla: And coffee!

Sheppard: Help you guys! HELP!

McKay: Nah, this stuff is good.

Weir smiles, she read the script.

Weir: I'm coming to save you John!

Sheppard grins, he read it too.

Sheppard: Come quickly you guys!

Teyla: This is really good.

Weir runs across the stage and Sheppard drops from the balcony.

Sheppard: Nice catch 'Lizbeth.

All clap. The band breaks out into Motown.

Sheppard:_ You rescued me_

_Oh you have me in your arms_

_You rescued me_

_I want your leader skills_

_'Coz we're lonely and ocean's blue_

_I needed you and your help too _

Come on, you rescued me

_Come on McKay and rescue me_

_Come on Ford and rescue me_

_'Coz I needed you, by my side_

_Can't you see I was hangin'_

_Rescued me_

_Come on and take my fall_

_Take Atlantis and conquer every part_

_'Coz we're lonely and ocean's blue_

_I needed you and your help too _

Come on you rescued me

_Come on Teyla and rescue me_

_Come on Ford and rescue me_

_'Coz I needed you by my side_

_Can't you see I was hangin_

_  
Rescued me_

_Oh catch me in your arms_

_Ya rescued me_

_We need your great skills_

_'Coz we're lonely and ocean's blue_

_I needed you and your help too_

_Come on you rescued me_

_Come on McKay, help me Ford, save me Teyla, saved me Weir_

_Can't you see that I needed you all?_

_Couldn't you hear I'm hangin_

_Rescued me_

_Come on and break my fall_

_Come on Weir and save my ass_

_Cuz I needed you cuz I was fallin'_

_Can't you see that we're lonely?_

_In the universe_

_Help me guys_

_Needed you guys_

_Can't you see I was hangin'?  
_

_You rescued me, rescued me..._

McKay stalks on stage.

McKay: You sung.

Blatant awe.

Ford: He did.

Teyla: Wow.

Ford: Nice job sir.

Sheppard and Weir smile again.

Sheppard: Thank you.

Weir: I love you.

Sheppard: Love you too.

McKay: But Lizbeth! I love you!

Weir smiles.

Weir: Dream on, dream on, dream on, dream until your girl comes true…

McKay pouts. Some cute girl hops on stage.

Sheppard: See McKay, your wishes have been fulfilled.

McKay: Yup! She even looks like Carter.

McKay goes with her.

Weir: I love scripts.

Ford and Teyla appear on stage.

Ford: Hey, where's McKay?

Sheppard and Weir smile.

Weir: With a girl.

Ford: Oh.

Teyla: Hold on.

Teyla stalks off stage and comes back.

Ford: Hello McKay, I hear you've been having some fun.

McKay: Mmm.

He's covered in lipstick.

Teyla snickers.

Teyla: That is suffice to say lieutenant

Dr. Kate Heightmeyer, the psychologist, walks out.

Heightmeyer: Rodney, I thought we were going out!

McKay: Er…

Ford laughs: Well this is awkward!

McKay is slapped by Heightmeyer. She storms off. The other girl walks up to Rodney and also slaps him. Sheppard, Ford, Weir, and Teyla are rolling on the ground laughing.

McKay sounds like he's gonna cry: I hate this act!

Sheppard: You deserved it.

McKay: Sure I did, Mister "Oh, let's-go-back-to-Proculus-so-I-can-get-some!"

Sheppard: I did not do that!

McKay: Did so.

Sheppard: I went back because they needed help!

Ford: But if they had that weapon thing, then what were you doing on that planet for so long?

John fidgets. Elizabeth glares at him.

Weir: I think we're through, Major Sheppard.

Sheppard: But Elizabeth, I-

She walks off stage.

McKay pumps his arm: Yessss! There's hope yet!

Weir sticks her head back out onstage: Don't count on it, Rodney.

McKay kicks the ground: Drat.

End Act 3


	6. Act Four

OMFG! Another act! yeah, i know... but me and nightpheonix kinda forgot about it then bought it up and wrote this act! we also had finals to worry aout this week... lol... this act is for Vinnet... LOL!

Now, on to the long-awaited... ACT FOUR!

* * *

Act 4

McKay: Last act, yippee!

Sheppard: Three more songs, three more songs, three more songs...

McKay: YAY! Wait? Three? That includes you, Ford, and who else?

Sheppard: And you McKay.

McKay, in disbelief: No!

Weir: Yes Rodney…

Sheppard: Well since this is a musical…

Weir and Teyla and Ford and McKay: What?

Sheppard: Nothing

He walks off. They stare at his back. Suddenly a noise comes from him.

Sheppard: _Stargate, it's a great big world, _

_With a great big swirl, _

_And you step inside to another world! _

_We're talking Stargate, _

_It's a crazy trip, _

_You can go quite far, _

_And you don't need a car or even a ship! _

_There's Colonel O'Neill and Carter and Daniel and Teal'c, _

_Look out for that G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-gould.!_

McKay, catches up with him: Major, what was that?

Sheppard: Hm, what? You heard that?

McKay: Of course.

Sheppard: A bit ago people actually sang to try and get on the Atlantis expedition. Needless to say it was hopeless.

McKay: With a song like that, I can imagine. (Pause) So **that's** how Kavanaugh got on the team! No wonder! It all makes sense now!

Sheppard chuckles: Yeah, I know…

Lights turn on as they walk by and Sheppard picks something up, it turns on.

McKay: Well, look at this, the Ancient MacGyver.

Sheppard: Well thank you, I liked that show. Did you notice that he has a startling resemblance to General O'Neill?

McKay: I didn't notice that… (he thinks)...yeah! Woah, you're right!

Ford: I didn't like MacGyver.

Sheppard: That's because you weren't- wait a sec, yes you were, right?

Ford nods.

Sheppard: I take that back then.

Ford: HA!

McKay bustles over the technology and is taking readings and the like. Sheppard watches him with disinterest. While the two of them are looking away, Elizabeth leans against one of the control consoles. It lights up.

Ford notices the console it on: What? Since when have you had the ATA gene!

Weir, casually: Oh, I've always had it.

Ford: So why didn't you tell anyone?

Weir: What, and get rid of one of my excuses for bossing people around? I wouldn't be able to torture everyone with menial tasks that require the gene anymore!

Ford: I see...

Rodney turns around and Elizabeth stands up straight, deactivating the control panel.

Weir: So? What does it do?

McKay: It's a prop.

Silence.

Ford: Sooo… has anyone here seen Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon?

Weir: That's one of my favorite movies!

Sheppard: Well, I thought it sucked!

Weir: How could you not like it? It's an intellectual story filled with beautiful symbolism and metaphors for life!

Sheppard: Oh, come on. 'Metaphors for life'! It was a lot of flying around with swords! And it made absolutely no sense whatsoever! Plus, the ending sucked.

Weir: Granted about the ending. But you're just too literal and unimaginative to appreciate--

McKay, thinks slowly: I like pink Wraiths…

Crickets chirp. All stare.

McKay: Whaaaat?

Sheppard, Ford, Weir and Teyla shuffles away slowly.

Ford: Just...stay over there.

McKay: What?

Ford: At any rate…

Sheppard: (takes big breath in and begins to sing a fast REM tune)

_IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!_

Rodney and Elizabeth join in. Ford looks at them oddly.

Sheppard, McKay, Weir:

_IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!_

_IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT,_

_AND I FEEL FIIIIINE!_

McKay, suddenly: Wait, no I don't! I do not feel fine about the end of the world!

Weir: It's just a song, Rodney.

McKay: Yes, but-

Sheppard: Do either of you know any of the other lyrics to that song?

Weir: Does anyone?

Sheppard: Alright, good point. Let's just skip to the next song.

Everyone leafs through their scripts.

Sheppard: Alright, that one's not much better...

McKay: Well, I know some of the words...

Weir: Doesn't matter; just make them up as you go along. (to the band) Hit it!

(band strikes up the synthesizer intro to "We Didn't Start the Fire")

All: _Major Sheppard, Dr. Weir, Aiden Ford, we're all here._

_Colonel Sumner, Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagen,_

_Peter Grodin, Carson Beckett, Doc Zelenka, Colonel Everett,_

_Then Sergeant Bates and Kavanaugh, Now we can begin._

_Naquadah-enhanced bomb, GDO, lighting storm,_

_Wraith Dart, Puddlejumper, and EM generators,_

_Point of origin, chevron, wormhole established, we're gone,_

_Expedition to Pegasus, see ya later, goodbye!_

_We didn't start the Wraith War!_

_It was always ragin', since the galaxy's been aging._

_We didn't start the Wraith War!_

_No we didn't ignite it, but we have to fight it!_

_Wraith Dartfighter, hibernate, nanobots- who did create?_

_Information, grounding station, the transporter._

_Ancients, ascension, ATA gene, not to mention_

_Gene therapy, life-signs detector._

_Major Sheppard's team, War and Peace page 17_

_Energy shadow entity, hazmat suits and quarantine,_

_Laptops, city command, stuck in the gate, mainland,_

_Hurricane, pouring rain, we're gonna go insane!_

_We didn't start the Wraith War!_

_It was always ragin', since the galaxy's been aging._

_We didn't start the Wraith War!_

_No we didn't ignite it, but we have to fight it!_

_Weapons chair, DHD, gates in orbit, MREs,_

_Flash-bangs, AT-1, find the "potential"_

_Wraith-repelling drugs, little glowy space bugs,_

_Ancient drone, flying city, alternate reality. Woah-ha-ho!_

_Antarctica, death and woe, spacemonkey- wait, wrong show!_

_P-90, C-4, 9-mil, and Wraith stunner,_

_Hive ship, ZPM, data compression program,_

_Giant bunker, Genii, psychotics in "The Eye!"_

_We didn't start the Wraith War!_

_It was always ragin', since the galaxy's been aging._

_We didn't start the Wraith War!_

_No we didn't ignite it, but we have to fight it!_

_Immortal superwraith, shield collapsing, failsafe, _

_Barely got out alive, the Wraith data zip drive,_

_Atlantis under attack, can't get home and that's a fact,_

_Under a lot of stress, 8-symbol gate address,_

_Wormhole, Alpha Site, Ancient defense satellite,_

_Personal shield device, _

McKay:_ Punching me was not so nice!_

_We didn't start the Wraith War!_

_It was always ragin', since the galaxy's been aging._

_We didn't start the Wraith War!_

_No we didn't ignite it, but we have to fight it!_

_Magic squares, Athosians, take the jumper for a spin,_

_Cloaking device , time travel, shot twice,_

_Planet, scan it, subspace-time, allergies to citrus limes_

_Videotapes back to home, human virus in "Hot Zone,"_

_Standard recon gone to hell, infirmary, Wraith cull,_

_Energy don't come free, power loss in the city,_

_Fainted (PASSED OUT!) on the floor, sunk the city, lost the war,_

_We never know what's in store, we can't take it anymore!_

_We didn't start the Wraith War!_

_It was always ragin', since the galaxy's been aging._

_We didn't start the Wraith War!_

_But 'til they are gone, it will always go on, and on, and on, and on..._

(the band fades out)

Sheppard: Well, it's true, we didn't.

Elizabeth, Rodney, Teyla, and Ford all cough loudly. McKay shuffles his feet, Weir is suddenly fascinated by the ceiling, Ford bends down to tie his shoe, and Teyla begins to fiddle with her hair.

Sheppard: What?

McKay: Uh...yeah, we...kinda did. Start the Wraith war, that is.

Teyla: I agree, Major. We did start it.

Sheppard: No, we didn't!

Weir: You're right actually. We didn't. You did.

Sheppard: What? I did not!

McKay: (lets out a cough that sounds suspiciously like "You woke up the Wraith")

Sheppard: I heard that!

Ford: It's true, sir, you did wake them up.

Weir: And now we're constantly being attacked by Wraith. Which reminds me...(she rolls up her sleeve to check her lines again) Oh, yes. We have (dramatic pause) THREE WRAITH HIVE SHIPS HEADING OUR WAY! (the band strikes a minor chord)

McKay gasps: No! (another minor chord)

Sheppard: What can we do? (yet another minor chord)

Bates pops out onstage, hollering: Teyla did it! She's Athosian, she did it!

Sheppard rolls his eyes: She was right here the whole time. She couldn't possibly have done it.

Bates points accusingly at Teyla: There was a 3.5 second window of time when no one was looking directly at her! She could have contacted the Wraith then!

McKay: She was no where near a radio, you paranoid moron.

Bates: Oh. (he walks off stage dejectedly. Teyla glares after him, then turns back around, paying attention)

Sheppard turns to Elizabeth: Please keep going.

Weir: Thank you, john. As I was saying-

Bates jumps on stage again, this time with a torch and pitchfork: IT WAS TEYLA! SHE DID IT! HA! (he jabs the pitchfork in her general direction and waves the torch. Teyla looks really miffed.)

Sheppard: Put down the pitchfork and shut up, sergeant. That's an order.

Bates drops the pitchfork and blows out the torch: Rats! (he trudges offstage)

McKay: Go on, Elizabeth.

Weir: Right. Now before we do anything else, we must--

Bates leaps onstage yet again: NO! You can't say our plan in front of Teyla! She'll give them to the Wraith!

Sheppard: Alright, that's it!

He reaches for his P-90. But before he can take it out, Bates is tackled by Teyla. The two roll offstage. We hear a high-pitched scream, followed by a stabbing sound and a gurgle. Teyla walks back out. She sheathes a bloody knife.

Weir: Teyla! Did you just-!

Teyla looks innocent: Of course not, Doctor Weir.

Sheppard, clearly impressed: Damn!

McKay lets out a low whistle: Nice! Thank you!

Much clapping is heard, but it dies quickly…

Colonel Everett randomly pops in: Dr. Weir, you are relieved of your duty!

Weir: What the hell are you doing here!

Everett: I'm taking over the directing of this musical!

McKay: Aren't you about to be eaten by a Wraith or something?

Everett: It's the off-season; I can do whatever I want until Season 2!

Sheppard mutters: Slimy little rat basta-

Everett: That's insubordination! I am the ranking military officer here, major!

Sheppard: But- but- but-!

Everett: That is an order!

Weir: You owe me a drink, colonel.

Everett: So I do.

Weir: Get me some strong vodka please.

Everett raises his eyebrows: Are you sure you can handle that?

Weir: Pffft! Of course.

The colonel walks off stage, and returns with a vodka bottle and two shot glasses. He pours them each a glass.

Weir: Err, look! Over there! A Wraith!

Everett whips around: Where, where?

While he's turned around, Elizabeth pours the contents of a test tube into Everett's shot glass.

Everett: I didn't see any Wraith. (turns back around)

Weir: Whoops, my mistake. (raises glass) Cheers.

Everett also lifts his glass and downs the vodka. Elizabeth snickers evilly. Suddenly, Everett begins gagging and drops dead on the floor. John, Rodney, Zelenka, and Beckett walk onstage.

Sheppard sees Everett's body: Elizabeth! What did you do!

Weir: I have no idea what you're talking about, major.

Beckett bends over to examine the body.

McKay and Radek: Yesss! (slap each other high fives)

Beckett stands up: Normally I'd conduct an autopsy and investigation, but I think I can make an exception this time. The bloody idiot's stone dead.

Sheppard: Dump 'im?

Beckett: Aye.

Ford: Wait, you can't-!

Sheppard: Why not?

Ford: ...alright, good point. Chuck him overboard.

Sheppard whistles: Yo, stage crew!

2 stage crews walk out onstage. They each grab an arm and drag the body offstage. We hear a splash. Weir beams, Sheppard looks impressed, Ford isn't sure what to feel, Teyla hides a snicker, McKay and Zelenka both pump their arms and cheer.

Weir: Now that that's over with... on with the script!

Silence

Weir: Ahem.

Still no one talks

McKay: Who's got the line?

Weir: It's your song, Rodney.

McKay: What!

Sheppard: Didn't you read the script?

McKay: No! Of course not! No one read the script.

Weir: That's not an excuse. You still have to sing.

Sheppard: Dun dun DUN!

McKay: Shut up, Sheppard.

Weir: You're the only one who hasn't sung their song yet.

McKay: Not true! I sang earlier!

Weir: That wasn't in the script. You have to sing your song from the script.

Sheppard: Dun dun DUN!

McKay: Shut up, Major! Look, it's almost the end of the act. Can't we just skip to the next song?

Ford: We all sung our songs.

McKay: So!

Ford: You can't tell me you don't like the Eagles.

McKay: Oh, yes I can! I refuse to sing!

Sheppard: Dun dun DUN!

McKay: WOULD YOU STOP DOING THAT!

Sheppard: Sorry. Just adding to the mood.

Weir: It's a short song, Rodney. Only like two and a half minutes. Besides, the last minute is just repeating what you already sang.

McKay: Oh, alright. Fine.

McKay walks out to center stage. The lights dim. Suddenly, a rotten tomato zooms out from the audience and hits McKay squarely in the face. Everyone onstage starts laughing hysterically. McKay wipes tomato from his face and blinks furiously.

McKay: ALRIGHT, WHO THREW THAT?

Snickers are heard from the audience

McKay: KAVANAUGH, IF THAT WAS YOU, I SWEAR I'LL--

Weir: Keep it PG, Rodney. This is a musical.

Sheppard gives a thumbs up to an audience member.

McKay turns around: Major, did you put someone up to this?

Silence. A cough is heard in the audience.

McKay: You did, didn't you.

Sheppard puts on an innocent face: Who, me?

McKay: SHEPPARD, YOU ARE SO GOING TO GET IT!

Weir: After your song.

McKay: ARRRGGGGHHH!

Ford: Well, now you have an incentive to sing.

Sheppard: Consider it payback for leaving me hanging in Act 3.

McKay: You have two and a half minutes to live, Major.

Sheppard sarcastically: I am positively quaking in my boots.

Once again, the lights dim and a spotlight shines on McKay on center stage. He starts to sing the Eagles "Hole in the World"

McKay: _There's a wormhole in the world tonight.  
There's a cloud of death and sorrow.  
There's a wormhole in the world tonight.  
Let's hope we make it to tomorrow. _

They said that the Wraith were still asleep.  
They said that they won't come for 50 years.  
But then the major woke 'em up (that little creep!),  
And now we never know where they'll appear.

There's a wormhole in the world tonight.  
There's a cloud of death and sorrow.  
There's a wormhole in the world tonight.  
Let's hope we make it to tomorrow.

Oh, they told me there's a place over yonder  
The sunken city's where we're gonna roam.  
But now we're all stuck with one another,  
Wondrin' if we'll ever make it home.  
Ford: He's not that bad…

Weir: Quiet!

_There's a wormhole in the world tonight.  
There's a cloud of death and sorrow.  
There's a wormhole in the world tonight.  
Let's hope we make it to tomorrow. _

(There's a wormhole in the world tonight.)  
They said that the Wraith were still asleep.

_(There's a cloud of death and sorrow.)  
They said that they won't come for 50 years._

_(There's a wormhole in the world tonight.)  
But then the major woke 'em up (that little creep!),_

_(Let's hope we make it to tomorrow.)  
And now we don't know where they'll appear. _

There's a wormhole in the world tonight.  
(wormhole in the world)  
There's a cloud of death and sorrow.  
(death and sorrow)  
There's a wormhole in the world tonight.  
(Ooooh)  
Let's hope we make it to tomorrow.

Ford: He's almost done, sir. You might want to start running.

Sheppard: He's a geeky scientist. What can he possibly do to a military-trained professional?

_There's a wormhole in the world tonight.  
(wormhole in the world)  
There's a cloud of death and sorrow.  
(death and sorrow)  
There's a wormhole in the world tonight.  
(Ooooh)  
Let's hope we make it to tomorrow. _

The song ends.

Weir quickly: I need to go...I've gotta...read some reports...

Teyla: I shall assist you, Dr. Weir.

Ford: Three's a crowd.

Zelenka: Yes, let's get to those reports!

All sprint offstage.

Sheppard: Hey, guys, you aren't seriously afraid of what McKay will do to me, are you? (no one answers) Guys? (still silence. Sheppard is getting nervous) Hello?

Rodney bows to the audience.

McKay: YOU ARE DEAD, MAJOR!

Sheppard: Eeep!

McKay chases after Sheppard, who threatens to shoot. Weir and company are watching from the lounge.

Weir: Well… that was interesting.

Teyla: Do males of your planet often do this?

Weir scoffs: More than you'd imagine.

Zelenka: Do you think it's time for the finale?

Sheppard returns into the gate room looking triumphant.

Ford: Yeah, it's about that time isn't it?

Weir: Let's get this show on the road then!

She steps out of the lounge and the scene turns into a concert stage.

Sheppard: Whoa…

A whole orchestra pops onto stage. People with guitars come out too.

McKay: And now, the MOODY ATLANTIANS!

The crowd cheers and gets to its feet. The Atlantis expedition starts to dance, on stage and off. The music starts up. Lights flash onstage – colored ones.

Ford: Budget went up.

Sheppard: Either that or they decided to stop cheating us.

(Fast acoustic intro plays)

All: _Why do we never get an answer  
When we're knocking at the door  
With a thousand million questions  
About Wraith and death and war?  
'Cos when we stop and look around us,  
There is nothing that we need,  
In a world of persecution  
They are burning in their feed. _

Weir and Teyla: _Oooh ohohohooohh oooh!_

_Why do we never get an answer  
When we're knocking at the door  
Because the truth is hard to swallow  
That's what the war of love is for._

A lone guitar is left playing. It's Ford.

Ford_: It's not the way that they say it  
When they do those things to me  
It's more the way that they mean it  
When they tell me what will be _

_And when you stop and think about it  
You won't believe it's true  
That all the love you've been giving  
Has all been meant for you. _

_I'm looking for something to change my life,  
I'm looking for a miracle in my life  
And if you could see what it's done to me,  
To gain the love I know  
Could safely lead me home. _

John_: From the silence of Pegasus,  
And the crashing of the sea,  
There lies a land I once lived in,  
And Earth's waiting there for me,  
But in the grey of the morning,  
My mind becomes confused,  
Between the dead and the sleeping,  
And the road that I must choose. _

_I'm looking for something to change my life,  
I'm looking for a miracle in my life  
And if you could see what it's done to me,  
To gain the love I know,  
Could safely lead me to  
The land that I once knew,  
To learn as we grow old  
The secrets of our soul. _

Ford and Sheppard, both on guitar:_ It's not the way that they say it  
When they do those things to me  
It's more the way they really mean it  
When they tell me what will be_

The guitars stop, and then come back in furiously, with all dancing again and jumping around. Lights start back up too along with the orchestra.

Weir, McKay, and Teyla: _Ooooh oh oh oooh, aaah ah ah ah!_

_Why do we never get an answer  
When we're knocking at the door  
With a thousand million questions  
About Wraith and death and war?  
'Cos when we stop and look around us,  
There is nothing that we need,  
In a world of persecution_

_They are burning in their feed._

Ford: Thank you!

Sheppard: Yeah, THANK YOU ATLANTIS!

Weir: We'll be here all week!

Wolf whistles and claps are heard as the crew bows. They walk off stage gleaming.

McKay: Yes, that went well!

Sheppard: I'd have to agree.

Ford: I don't like the Moody Blues.

Sheppard: That's because… you're pulling my leg, aren't you?

Ford looks innocent.

Sheppard: That's it Ford!

Sheppard tears after him as the rest smile idly.


	7. Act Five

ah yes... another... MHAHAHAHA! lol... glad you all enjoyed the show so much! see you in Season Two!

a big thanks from seanait and nightpheonix

and now... Act 5

* * *

The audience has not left yet. The curtain opens. The four team members are still standing there. They all look around.

Sheppard: Why is the curtain opening?

Teyla: I believe we finished the script. We have no more.

Ford calls backstage: Hey! Why are the curtains open? Why are they still here?

Weir: Well, apparently the musical was a smash hit!

McKay: "Smash hit?"

Weir: Er...well, the audience liked all the ad-libbed slapstick...

Sheppard: What "ad-libbed slapstick?"

Weir: Alright, they just liked to see all of you embarrass the hell out of yourselves. Most of them brought cameras and video recorders. They plan to sell the tapes on eBay.

Ford: Isn't that illegal? Can't you arrest them for pirating the musical or something!

Weir: Yes, I could, but I have this great video of Rodney getting slapped in Act 3. It's pure gold!

McKay: Way to make me feel loved, Lizbeth.

Weir: No problem. Anyway, due to popular demand, you guys are doing another act.

Sheppard: Whoa! We didn't agree to this!

Weir: So?

Teyla: We do not even have scripts.

A pile of folders are thrown onstage. Everyone picks one up and begins leafing through it.

Sheppard: I would never say that! Hell, I don't even know what "coruscating astuteness" means!

Teyla: I do not believe this script is accurate, Dr. Weir.

McKay: "Accurate?" Screw "accurate!" Holy crap, this is terrible! It looks like Kavanaugh wrote it when he was high on caffeine or something!

Stage manager: Er, that about sums it up...

McKay drops his script: You're. Kidding. Me.

Weir: Well, he volunteered...

McKay: And you let him?

Weir: No one else would-

Sheppard: Because we all hate it!

Weir: Too bad. You're doing it and that's final. Consider it an order.

Sheppard, Ford and McKay: But, but, but-!

Weir: Or else.

All shut up. Weir leaves.

Sheppard: Okay, because I value my life more than my pride, let's get started.

Silence.

Ford: Who has the first line?

McKay mutters: I do.

Sheppard: Well say it then!

McKay: No.

Ford: Come on.

McKay: No. I'll never say it.

Sheppard: Hey, it can't be that bad. I'm going to have to talk about "coruscating astuteness."

McKay: That's nothing.

Teyla: What could possibly be so horrible that you cannot say it, Dr. McKay?

Rodney shoves his script in everyone else's faces. They look at it. Their mouths gape.

Sheppard: Oh my God!

Ford: That is LOW!

Teyla: You are most certainly justified in your refusal to say the line.

McKay yells backstage: Hear that Lizbeth? I don't have to say it!

She walks onstage.

Weir: Alright, let me see it. (McKay hands her the script. She reads it and her jaw drops) Why that little- Rodney, you don't have to say anything!

McKay pumps his arm. Suddenly, Kavanaugh hops out onstage.

Kavanaugh: Oh, yes you do!

McKay: Nope. Dr. Weir said so. She can over rule you. Besides, I outrank you anyway, and I'm smarter!

Kavanaugh: Ha! You may have a higher position than I do, but what you don't have is a naquadah-enhanced warhead directly under the stage!

McKay: And you do?

Kavanaugh takes out a detonator: As a matter of fact, yes.

McKay: ..oh.

Kavnaugh: Say it.

McKay: Death before surrender!

Sheppard: Nice, McKay. Very heroic.

Ford: Yeah. Never knew you had it in yourself.

McKay: You'd be surprised what I'd do when it comes down to Kavanaugh.

Kavanaugh: Well in that case, I'll just have to...(he makes as it to push the detonate button)

Sheppard and Weir: No! Wait!

Kavanaugh, evilly: Make McKay say the line.

Sheppard: You'd better, Rodney.

Weir: The psycho'll blow us all to Kingdom Come.

McKay: Let him. He probably didn't even build it right.

Weir: True, but I'm not willing to take that risk.

McKay: Elizabeth, you're not going to make me-

Sheppard: All our lives are at stake here, McKay.

Ford: Oh God. We're screwed.

Weir: Please. For Atlantis.

McKay: I don't care!

Weir: Say it, Rodney.

McKay: No! I refuse!

Kavanaugh waves the detonator back and forth threateningly.

Teyla: Doctor McKay, if you do not say the line, which I agree is horrible, then you will not be able to…(she whispers something in his ear)

McKay laughs evilly: Oh, that's good. I would love to do that!

Teyla: Then say the line.

McKay looks conflicted: Oh, alright. (He whispers unintelligibly.)

Kavanaugh: I can't heeeeaaar youuuuuu…

McKay mumbles something.

Kavanaugh: Louder!

McKay flatly: "Oh no. The situation is hopeless due to… (he pauses and cringes) my complete incompetence." There, I said it.

Kavanaugh: Finish it!

McKay: No! That's as far as I'll go!

Sheppard: Please? He still has an armed nuke under our feet!

Teyla: Remember what we talked about, Doctor.

McKay smirks at the thought of what he will do afterwards, then takes a deep breath in and says very quickly: "Kavanaugh is the smartest, best scientist in Atlantis, and probably the universe, and I couldn't hold a candle up to him."

The audience gasps. Kavanaugh smirks and begins to walk off stage.

Kavanaugh: Good. Now keep going, because my entrance is soon.

Everyone groans. McKay looks like he is about to cry. Suddenly, water starts falling from the ceiling

McKay: Oh, great. It's raining. Inside. Again.

Teyla: I thought the hurricanes were only supposed to happen every 20 years.

Stage manager: Sorry 'bout that.

Ford sarcastically: Did our budget increase enough so we can have 2 storms every 20 years?

Stage manager: No, not really, we're just having a problem with the sprinkler system at the moment. Which is malfunctioning because of lack of maintenance. Which is the result of--

Ford flatly: Budget cuts.

Weir: We have a sprinkler system?

Stage manager: Ummm...

Sheppard: Well, at least this time it's only 'raining'.

Kavanaugh walks out onstage: Y'know what I like to do when it rains?

McKay flatly: No. And we don't want to.

Kavanaugh: _Oh, Mister Sun, sun, Mister Golden Sun, please shine down on meee..._

McKay: Sheppard. Gimmie your gun.

Sheppard cautiously: Whyyyyy...

McKay: You know very damn well why. I'm gonna shoot the bastard to Kingdom Come for once and for all.

Ford: Geez, McKay. I never knew you could be so...violent.

McKay: Yeah, well, peace goes out the window when it comes to Kavanaugh singing.

Weir: As much as I agree with you, I'm going to have to say you can't do that.

McKay: Oh, come on!

Weir: Sorry, Rodney.

McKay: You can't tell me that you really don't want to shoot him for that!

Weir: Oh, believe me...

Sheppard: We'd all like to shoot Kavanaugh.

Teyla: But we cannot.

McKay: I don't care if he is a genius, which he's not! I'll shoot 'im anyway!

Sheppard mutters to Weir: The same could be said about a certain Chief Scientific Advisor...

McKay: What was that, Sheppard?

Sheppard: Absolutely nothing.

McKay: Well, if no one's gonna give me a gun...

Kavanaugh finish his song and exits. Rodney looks at Teyla, who nods. McKay glares after Kavanaugh with an evil smirk on his face.

McKay: Excuse me, I'll be right back. Keep going without me. (He also walks offstage)

Sheppard to Weir: Shouldn't we-?

Weir: Just as long as he doesn't get caught.

Sheppard nods. Right. So, as we were saying...

Silence.

Ford: It's McKay's line, sir.

Sheppard: Oh.

Suddenly we hear an "Aieee!" The scream gets softer and softer. A loud splash and then silence. Rodney walks back, looking very proud of himself. The crowd is silent for a few seconds, then they all give him a standing ovation. McKay and Teyla give each other the thumbs up, then he turns, basks in the applause and bows several times. The clapping slowly dies down.

Weir harshly: Rodney!

McKay: Yes?

Sheppard: Did you just chuck Kavanaugh off a balcony.

McKay: Fifth Amendment.

Weir: No argument there. (aside to Rodney) No chance of finding a body? No witnesses?

McKay whispers to Weir: None.

Weir: Good man. (she turns to the audience) It appears Dr. Kavanaugh is missing. If anyone sees him, tell him he's in big trouble for not reporting back when he was supposed to.

All: Understood, ma'am.

Weir: Good. Your line, Rodney.

McKay: Alright. Ahem. (He reads over the script, and then turns to Weir) Elizabeth, since Kavanaugh wrote this, how 'bout we just make this up as we go along?

Weir, clearly not listening: Fine, sure, whatever. (she walks offstage)

Sheppard, McKay, Teyla, and Ford turn to each other.

McKay: Hey remember that one time on that planet?

Sheppard rolls his eyes: Which planet?

Ford: I think I know which he is talking about.

Ford sighs.

Teyla: I believe I know which planet he speaks of as well.

Sheppard: Which!

McKay: The one where I saved the day! (smug)

Sheppard: You did not!

McKay: Are you trying to usurp me major!

Sheppard: I don't think so… but you didn't save the day!

McKay: Yes. I. DID!

Sheppard: As I recall you were running for your life.

McKay: No way! I was running to open the gate and save you all.

Sheppard: But you fell and broke your leg and couldn't run!

McKay: But it wasn't really broken, just twisted, so I could run!

Sheppard: Then you got shot by a Wraith!

McKay: But they missed!

Sheppard: Then they shot you and didn't miss!

McKay: But I was only stunned for a few seconds because I got hit in the arm!

Sheppard: Then you tripped and gave yourself a concussion!

McKay: But I was wearing the personal shield so I was unhurt!

Sheppard: Then you caught the flu and pneumonia and had to be bedridden for three weeks!

McKay: But that didn't matter, because I kept going anyway!

Ford: Then I came along and shot all the Wraith with my P-90!

Sheppard: But before you could, you ran out of ammo and had to go back for more!

Teyla: Then I whacked all of the Wraith over the head with my sticks and killed them all!

McKay: So I kept going!

Weir sticks her head out onstage and yells angrily: Then I showed up, told you all to shut the hell up, and kicked all your asses back to Atlantis!

She leaves. All are silent.

Sheppard: Sooo…..

McKay: Yup?

Ford: Now what?

Teyla: Script anyone?

They all shuffle through their papers.

Sheppard: Who's next?

McKay: I think… it's Elizabeth's turn.

Weir, sticks head out: What!

Sheppard: McKay thinks it's your turn…. And what's with the cucumber eyes?

Weir, peels them off: These? I was taking a BREAK! I don't have enough of them…

Ford: Mam… go wipe the green stuff off too…

Weir: Yeah yeah yeah… hold on.

They wait.

Sheppard: That was weird.

Teyla: Indeed it was major.

Grodin: Incoming traveler!

Sheppard and Weir: What!

Grodin: Just kidding! I was… moving the plot line along…

McKay: Hmmf….

Ford: As long as it's not Bates' team…

Weir: God, it takes too long for us to keep saying 'Sheppard's team" and "Bates' team." We need code names like the SGC does.

Sheppard: Y'know, we _are_ called AT-1.

Weir: Gah...it's too complicated!

Sheppard: Why isn't SG-1 too complicated?

Weir: Because it makes _sense_. **S**tar**G**ate team **1**. It's logical.

Sheppard: **A**tlantis **T**eam **1**. No less logical.

Weir: It's just not the same.

McKay: She's right, y'know.

Ford: Let's make it simple. Let's call ourselves A-1, Bates' team can be A-2, etc.

Sheppard: 'A-1?' I don't wanna be named after a steak sauce!

McKay: Mmmm…. Steak….

Ford, disgusted: Do you **ever** stop thinking about food?

McKay: It's my life line!

Sheppard, mutter: And your life…

McKay: What was that?

Sheppard: Oh nothing…

Ford and Teyla snicker.

McKay: Whaaat!

Sheppard: Nothing!

Silence, then a general rustling of pages.

Ford: So…

Sheppard: Yup…

Teyla: Are we not all supposed to sing a song?

McKay: Something like that…

Sheppard: Hey, I'll make a fool out of my self if people do it with me.

Ford: What's the song?

Sheppard: (looks) _Dirty Water_ by Boston.

Ford: OOH! I love that song! But I don't think it's by Boston…

Sheppard: Its not?

Ford: I don't know sir.

Sheppard: Ah… well… someone will tell us… eventually.

McKay: Let's get this over with…

Teyla: Indeed… let us.

Sheppard: Okaaaay… (deep breath) _I'm gonna tell you a story  
I'm gonna tell you about my place  
I'm gonna tell you a big bad story, baby  
Aww, it's all about my place_

All: _Yeah, down by the ocean  
Down by the banks of the big, blue sea (aw, that's what's happenin' baby)  
That's where you'll find me  
Along with friends, enemies and thieves (aw, but they're cool people)  
Well I love that nice, clean water  
Oh, 'lantis, you're my home (oh, you're the Number One place)  
Frustrated scientists (I mean they're frustrated)  
Have to be done by twelve o'clock (oh, that's a shame)  
But I'm wishin' and a-hopin, oh  
That just once those doors weren't locked (I'd like some time to save the world again)  
Well I love that sparkin' water  
Oh, 'lantis, you're my home (oh, yeah)_

_Because I love that nice, clean water  
Oh, oh, 'lantis, you're my home (oh, yeah)_

_Well, I love that big blue water (I love it, baby)  
I love that nice, clean water (I love 'Lantis)  
I love that sparking water (Have you heard the hurricaning?)_

_I love that nice, clean water (Come on, come on) _fade

Loud applause from the audience.

McKay: Well that was fun. (beams)

Sheppard: Actually… yeah!

Teyla: Mmm…

Ford: HEY! Look, that was the last song! And the last line!

Sheppard: Sweet! So… no more musical, for real this time!

Ford whoops and McKay pumps his arm.

Teyla: So it would seem major.

McKay: Let's go!

They walk away, but Weir bumps into them.

Weir: There's no hope for… humanity!

Sheppard, Ford, Teyla, McKay: What?

Weir, raises her first finger: There's no hope for humanity!

Ford: Oh?

Weir stumbles and they catch her.

Sheppard, sternly: Elizabeth?

Weir, grins: Yesss…?

Teyla: You are slurring your words Dr. Weir.

McKay: Any reason?

Weir: Ummm…. Nope!

Ford: Hmm… well, it seems the musical goes on…

Sheppard, McKay, Teyla: Ah, shut up.

A hand held device pops out of the floor near Weir. They all stare at it then at John conspicuously.

Sheppard: Whaaat!

McKay: What was that?

Ford: What were you thinking about sir?

Sheppard, blushes: How to get in touch with Beckett…

Beckett: Here!

He takes a step forward and they step back one. He cocks an eyebrow.

Beckett: I don smell an'more.

Ford: Uh huh…

Sheppard: Just here quickly.

Beckett runs to Weir, takes her pulse and other things… including a blood sample.

Weir, glazed over eyes and silly grin: Ow!

Beckett: Jus' a wee little sting.

Weir: Thaaank 'ou doc'or…

Beckett: No problem.

Sheppard: Lemme guess…. Drunk?

Beckett: Right you are major. Dr. Weir has been profusely drinking.

McKay, mutters: That's a heck of a hangover…

Beckett, nods solemnly: Aye.

Weir: FLY!

All: Huh?

Weir: FLY MAN FLY!

Ford: She's totally lost it…

Sheppard: What in Atlantis did you have!

Weir: (hic) Lotsa… (hic) beear… (hic).

Beckett: What kind?

Weir: Hehehe…. (hic) Vodka!

All: AWWW MAAN….

Sheppard: That ain't beer!

McKay, thinks: Hmmm… I wonder if it was Kavanaugh's secret batch…

Sheppard: Kavanaugh drank?

McKay: Heck yeah!

Weir, giggly: Nopes!

Ford: How about Bates' batch?

Weir: Hehehehe! NO!

Teyla: Grodin's?

All stare at Teyla in awe.

Sheppard: What!

Ford: Grodin has a store?

Teyla, blushes: Quite large actually… 100 bottles…

Weir: (hic) Ding ding! Yays! Poin's ta Tewyla!

Beckett: Who would 'ave guessed?

Grodin, offstage: I do not!

Teyla: Petty slander…

She walks over and raps him with her sticks. **Thud.**

Ford: Teyla!

Teyla: Yes?

Ford: Nothin…

Sheppard: Well great, we got a completely stoned…

Weir: Druuuuunkk…

Sheppard: Whatever… a completely **drunk** commander… what's next?

A Wraith conga line with fuzzy pom-poms dances across the stage singing the Macarena. The pink sparkly pom-poms seem to calm Weir down… or rather please her.

Weir claps her hands: YAY!

All others just stare.

Ford: Wtf?

McKay and Sheppard: No kidding…

Beckett: Well… tha' was… odd…

Weir, in deeper voice: Aye… HEHEHEHEHEHE!

Sheppard: Good lord… I think this calls for another ride in the Puddlebox.

Ford: no.

Teyla: No.

McKay: NO!

Beckett: Do we have to?

Sheppard, grimaces: I'm afraid so…

The puddlebox slides across the stage and stops in front of Sheppard.

Beckett: Load 'er up. Carefully now!

Teyla: Ah heck with it.

She drops Weir with a thud.

Sheppard: Teyla… that was violent.

Teyla, sweetly: Who me!

She bats her eyelashes at hime.

McKay: Aww… how sweet!

Sheppard: Shut up and get in…. all of ya!

They load the flying fridge box. Sheppard tries to find the controls again and the box rises very shakily. McKay falls out.

McKay: Ouch…

Weir: I'm a-comin!

She jumps out and lands on McKay.

McKay: Aw… shit! (groans loudly)

Sheppard: Oh NO! McKay's been hurt!

Teyla: That's okay…

She pulls John aside and they fall heavily to the bottom of the puddlebox.

Beckett: Laddie! What are ye doing?

He shields his eyes and guides the box to the ground and drags it off stage.

The crowd bursts out into wolf whistles and applause.

Loud crew member: McWeir, Sheyla!

Crowd: MCWEIR, SHEYLA! WOOHOO!

Zelenka pops next to Beckett: Heck… what spawned this?

Beckett: I dun know…

Zelenka: Think we should pull them off stage?

Beckett: Aye…. The audience is having too much fun…

The two drag the drunk Weir, flattened McKay and the love-stricken Sheppard and Teyla off stage along with the puddle-fridge-box-jumper.

Sheppard, offstage: I'm good!

McKay, offstage: Me two!

The crowd cheers once more.

The curtain closes, the audience leaves. A minute later, the curtain opens again, revealing two lone girls standing on stage, clutching notebooks.

Nightpheonix: (coughs) Sooo, Seanait...

Seanait: Yeah?

Nightpheonix: Sup?

Seanait: Not much. You?

Nightpheonix: Yeah, same, same.

Both nod. Silence.

Nighpheonix: So we're done the musical.

Seanait: Yup. (pause) Ready to write one for season 2?

Nightpheonix: Hell yeah!

Both make as if to run offstage. Hearing the conversation, John, McKay, and Zelenka come out and stop the writers in their tracks.

Sheppard: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Season 2 musical?

McKay: We never agreed to another musical!

Zelenka: We didn't even agree to this one!

Seanait: Well that's just too bad, isn't it?

Nightpheonix teasing: You can't do anything about it!

Sheppard: That's it!

John whips out his P-90 and aims it at the fic writers. Seanait opens her notebook and begins scribbling madly. Suddenly, Sheppard's gun turns into a banana.

Sheppard: What the-!

Zelenka: They can't do that! They're bending reality, causing rents in the space-time continuum!

McKay: Alright then!

Rodney takes out his own 9 mil.

Nightpheonix: Quick! Keep writing!

Seanait writes some more, and the 9 mm disappears and Rodney is suddenly duct taped to a chair.

Sheppard: Oh no...

Zelenka: _Zatracený_!

Sheppard, McKay, and Zelenka: WE'RE BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY FANFICTION AUTHORS!

Seanait and Nightpheonix laugh manically.

The end...or is it!


	8. Disclaimers and Review by the gang!

Disclaimers from the gang!

McKay: Hi all… ummm… due to copyright laws and all… we have to disown all the songs featured in the… musical. (coughcough)

Sheppard: That's enough Rodney, just get to the point.

Weir: Yeah, I'm sick of standing out here.

Teyla and Ford come out to. Teyla puts her hands on her hips impatiently.

Teyla: I need to get my beauty sleep major!

Sheppard: Wasn't me! It was those copyright laws… and Weir…

McKay: (yawn)

Sheppard: Anyway the first song went to… umm…

Ford: Kolya… but he can't speak for himself… he did _Hey Jude_ by the Beatles.

Sheppard: God that was bad…

All: Amen.

Teyla: Who was next?

Ford: I believe it was one of the Wraith… must have been Steve, since Bob took his revenge on Steve's death…

Sheppard: Yeah yeah yeah! That's right, he starting singing _We Will Rock You _by Queen.

McKay: That he did… (yawn)

Ford: And after that lame attempt of revenge? Who was next… I don't remember it being very good…

Sheppard: That's because you have NO taste in music… it was Beckett… he was singing _Take It Easy_ by the Eagles.

Teyla, thoughtfully: I like the Eagles.

Sheppard: Good… we can have an Eagles party… let's go and leave this lame stuff to the fic writers.

Seanait, Nightpheonix, and Weir: GET BACK THERE!

Everyone whimpers.

McKay: Okay… that takes on a whole new meaning of "Big Brother watches over us."

Sheppard: More like "Big Sisters watch over us." I can see them all gleaming with pride up there…

Ford: Probably…

Teyla: Let us get this lame part over with, shall we?

Sheppard: Yeah… next?

They all start to laugh.

Sheppard: Well? Who!

Teyla: I believe it was you major.

Ford: Yeah sir… with your dying pigeon dance!

McKay: I see it now… Major John Sheppard and his rendition of Edward H.'s _War_. Or whatever it's called… what's his name anyway? I can never seem to remember it…

Sheppard: It's four letters right?

Ford: Yeah.. it's umm… what is it?

McKay: WAIT! I got his name all wrong… it's Edwin Starr.

Ford: Like Ringo Starr?

McKay: Sort of, but Ringo Starr's name is a pseudonym.

Ford: A what?

Sheppard: A false name. His real name is Richard Starkey.

Teyla: I can see why he changed it…

Ford: Oh no… Bob was next…

Sheppard puts his head in his hands.

McKay: _Sympathy for the Wraith_? Now who manipulates a great song like _Sympathy for the Devil_ like that?

Sheppard, Ford, and Teyla: The Wraith.

McKay: Good point.

Sheppard: And that's by the Rolling Stones.

McKay: Exactly. Now the guitar thing… that was weird.

Ford: Yeah I thought so too…

Sheppard: Me three.

Teyla: I fourth?

Sheppard: Haha… after that was the intermission…

McKay: Damn I'm starving after that! (picks up some food next to him and eats it.) PAH! LEMONS! WHO PLANTED THIS HERE! BATES!

All start to snicker as McKay rampages.

Sheppard: Anyway… who was after that? (mutters) Bloody puddlebox.

It comes zooming from offstage, nails Sheppard in the head, and keeps going.

McKay: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sheppard: Daaaaamn! That was strange! Ow…

Teyla: The band started to play Michael Jackson's _Thiller_ for me.

She does a little more moonwalking.

Ford to McKay: Dang is she good…

McKay: Yeah…

Sheppard: Hey! McKay, you started singing _All Across the Universe_ by the Beatles didn't you?

McKay: Actually, yeah!

Teyla: Then you all sang and the room rumbled.

Sheppard: _Jai guru daya…_

All: _Ommm…_

(Rumble)

McKay: See, now that's just weird!

Ford, chuckling: Then you and Zelenka couldn't _**help **_but sing _Two Of Us_ also by the Beatles.

McKay: We like that song!

Sheppard: Uh huh… little too much fun…

McKay: Oh yeah? Well then you started singing the theme song to _Mission: Impossible_.

Sheppard blushes.

McKay: HA!

Ford: He got you there sir.

Teyla: That he did.

McKay looks proud.

Sheppard grins at the next part: Ah yes, then Elizabeth starting singing _Rescue Me_ by Motown. And **somebody** got a little jealous.

McKay, blushing: I did not!

Teyla and Ford snicker loudly again.

McKay: Hey!

Teyla: It is your own fault doctor.

Sheppard: She has a point there McKay, but then you slapped really bad!

McKay blushes even deeper.

McKay: Shut up…

Sheppard: Oh wait… missed one song… after I got rescued Weir sang _Dream On _ by Aerosmith to Rodney, didn't she?

Ford: Oh yeah!

Teyla: I believe you are easy to target as you say…

Ford: Sir… act four you started to sing our Atlantis song… you know the one where people wanted to get on the show?

Sheppard: Actually, I believe the credit goes to SG-1…

Ford: Ah…

McKay: That explains a lot.

Sheppard, grins slyly: And everyone knows what was after that?

All except Rodney: I like pink Wraiths!

They start laughing hysterically.

McKay: Maaaan… what have I done?

Ford: Then, sir, you started _It's the End of the World_ _As We know It_ or whatever it's called, by REM and Weir, McKay, and I joined in.

Sheppard: That you did!

Teyla: Then we all decided to sing _We Didn't Start the Fire_ by Billy Joel.

Sheppard: How'd you know that?

Teyla: Doctor Weir tells me these things…

Sheppard: Good point.

McKay: That was a huge song.

Ford: I'd have to agree.

Sheppard: Then who was next? Or what was next?

Teyla: Well, Bates again accused me of working for the Wraith.

She growls.

Ford: That's definitely not normal…

Teyla: The Wraith part of me can be overwhelming sometimes…

All step away from her.

Sheppard: Oh?

Teyla: Never mind major… can you not take a joke?

Ford, nervously: Oh, see, she was kidding!

Sheppard: Yess…. Then Weir killed Everett.

McKay: Thank god… he nevers paid attention to us scientists, but no when the whole city croaked…

All: He finally listened.

Sheppard: We know Rodney… next song anyone?

They all think hard.

McKay: Me with _A Hole in the World Tonight_ by the Eagles.

Sheppard: Riiight… and the tomato I believe. How'd that taste?

McKay: Great…

Teyla: Then McKay assaulted you major…

Ford: That's true!

Sheppard: (grumble mumble…)

McKay, ignores last comment: And then…

All: The Moody Atlantians!

McKay: Heh, if we had a newspaper in Atlantis, the headline would be… "AT-1 and Comp. Perform Moody Blues _Question_."

Sheppard: That was a **great** song. With the lights and all! Ford, I didn't know you could play guitar.

Ford: I didn't know you could either sir.

Teyla: Then came the infamous Act 5.

All groan.

McKay: My back's killing me.

Sheppard: Well, you did fall from the puddlebox…

McKay: Good point.

Ford: I don't think act 5, in places, was nearly as good as the others.

Sheppard, sarcasm: Well, I wonder why… maybe because… we didn't want to do it?

Ford: Touché.

Sheppard: Thank you.

Teyla: And we all sang _Dirty Water_ who is by… we never figured that out did we?

Sheppard: Nope… is it by Boston?

Ford: I didn't think so…

McKay: Lemme think for a sec…nope, gotta blank…

Random person: The Standells!

All: The Standells?

McKay: I thought they were just oldies…

Ford: Me too.

Sheppard: Me three.

Teyla Who are they? And what about Dr. Kavanau-

Sheppard: Don't go there…

Teyla: Where?

Ford: It's an expression Teyla. It means don't bring up the subject. Kavanaugh doesn't deserve recognition.

Teyla: But the song must.

Sheppard: No one knows who first sang it, but… _Mr. Golden Sun_ by anonymous child.

McKay: What makes you think a child first sang it?

Sheppard: Seems reasonable.

Ford: Besides the fact that children don't generally come up with songs.

Teyla: He is right; very few people can do that...

Sheppard: Ah hush, we're done here. You guys can release us now!

Doors open to reveal Weir and the two writers.

Weir: Good job, now we won't be hunted down for bad disclaimers on songs…

Seanait: Even if we did change the lyrics here and there.

Nightpheonix: You guys can leave.

They get 50 feet from the door.

Nightpheonix and Seanait: Get ready for next season!

All groan audibly.


End file.
